Does anyone else feel like it’s a mind-numbing exercise in trying to get your health in a better place by trying to optimize every-single-solitary-thing in your life?
It’s not just that you need to drink more water, you need to optimize your hydration: cue more electrolytes, high pH water, hydrogen tabs (for extra hydrogen), a Stanley/Yeti cup for fashion sense and temperature control, and absolutely no plastics because we can’t risk you getting microplastics in your body (they’re endocrine disruptors).
It’s not just that you need to move your body, you have to optimize your time in movement: you need to get at least 10k steps/day (make sure you’re wearing a walking vest), you need 2-3x strength training workouts per week, you need to spend at least 10-30 minutes daily stretching/foam rolling/TheraGun-ning, 2-3 days per week with low intensity cardio or Zone 2 cardio PLUS 1-2 bouts of sprint intervals/plyometrics/Tabata training. Don’t forget to pencil in your yoga, pilates, zumba or barre class as well.
It’s not just that you need more restful sleep, you have to optimize your body’s ability to recover by: taking this proprietary blend of melatonin/magnesium/mushroom, getting at least 7-9 hours of quality Zs (tracked flawlessly with your Oura ring), getting red light therapy, detoxing in a sauna, cold plunging, and meditating because literally any amount of inflammation and cortisol in your body will kill you dead right on the spot (like, for real).
And it’s not just that you need to eat more nutritious food, you need to optimize those nutrients so that nothing is left on the table for your health and longevity, so…: no inflammatory foods (even though no food is inherently inflammatory for all people at all times), no gluten, no dairy, no alcohol, no added sugars, no phytonutrients, no nitrates, no FODMAPS, only grass fed, free range, emotionally coddled animal proteins (give a kiss goodbye to Bessie the Cow before she gets processed for your family’s nourishment), and don’t microwave anything in plastic because again…microplastics…endocrine disruptors, etc. Wait a second, I just heard that microplastics can be found in glass too…wtf? Oh yeah, and make sure that you’re wearing your continuous glucose monitor because you absolutely cannot have any insulin spikes because that immediately increases the fat in your cells and then you’ll get Type II diabetes and by the way, even stress can spike your insulin. Which means…you’re never, not ever, I mean ever allowed to be stressed out. K?
Lest I forget, optimize the rest of your life by: holding down a full-time job, raising perfect little humans, being emotionally and intimately connected to your spouse at all times, doing your chores, being financially stable, keeping a high credit score, and adding a respective 25th and 26th hour into your day, because nearly every paragraph that preceded this one reeks of a certain level of privilege many people will struggle to attain or maintain. Also, isn’t it interesting that the very people using their megaphones talking about the dysfunctional elements of our health, just so happen to be “functional health providers?” I find that interesting…
Did I mention you need to be in therapy too?
P.S. Contrary to what social media tells you:
-You’re doing great
-You’re not broken
-No one needs you to be perfect
-You can’t hate your way to happiness
-“Balancing” and “resetting” are shitty ways to tell you that the way you live isn’t right (but they can be better with this supplement stack priced at $199/month
-A little more: movement, water, protein, fiber, restful sleep, and strength can result in BIG changes. And also, they don’t cost very much to implement into your life.
(Photo courtesy of Emma Simpson)
