Several weeks ago, I had a young man and woman stop by the studio to pitch their services to RevFit.
While they were in my office, they noticed the pictures I have up of my family.
The young lady was enquiring about my marriage and asked how long Marissa and I had been together.
“We’ve been together as a couple for a little over fifteen years and we’ve been married just over ten.”
And then she asked: “What would be your best advice in keeping a relationship that long?”
The gentleman with her added: “I’d actually like to know that, too.”
I looked at both of them and said: “Be willing to have uncomfortable conversations.”
When we consider the steps we have to take to improve our lives and improve our health, most everything that needs to be done is done by ourselves.
YOU are responsible for your doctor’s appointments.
YOU are responsible for nourishing your body.
YOU are responsible for moving your body.
YOU are responsible for resting and recovering as needed.
However, the person you’re in a long term relationship with has a direct influence on your ability to do those things effectively.
And every relationship handles those dynamics differently.
Perhaps your significant other (S.O.) will set the doctor’s appointment up for you but you still have to show up and take the doctor’s advice.
Or, maybe your S.O. is the one who cooks the majority of the meals but you are in charge of how much you eat in one sitting.
When you and your S.O. decide to join a gym together, maybe you train at the same time or at a different time, but you’re both motivated by different things: one of you chases personal records, one of you wants to burn as many calories as possible.
And no matter how those dynamics go, your S.O. can easily be your #1 cheerleader and fan or your #1 saboteur.
This is the person who you arguably spend the most time with in your life.
This is the person who helps you make financial decisions in the home.
This is the person who helps you raise a family of kids or furbabies (and often both).
This is the person who can say a word (or not say a word) that can leave you feeling on top of the world or make you feel smaller than an ant.
When it comes to how you improve your life, no matter how you choose to do it, this is your “ride or die.”
So, how are you having uncomfortable conversations to make sure you both thrive?
Let me offer some tips:
-Be very clear about your goals. Within that, talk about WHY those goals matter, WHAT steps need to be taken to reach those goals and HOW your S.O. can help you.
-Be willing to hear how you get in your own way. Change is hard. Your S.O. may be acutely aware of what it’s like when your plans derail. No one is perfect and everyone has space and room to improve. If you’re not aware of your vulnerabilities, be open minded in understanding what those vulnerabilities are so that both of you can fill those gaps as a team.
-Be explicit about how it feels when you get stuck. Be explicit about HOW you want your S.O. to speak to you or offer assistance when you need it. This could be as simple as a re-distribution of tasks/chores around the home, what groceries are purchased for the home, and what effective stress reduction looks like for each of you.
-Always be willing to take your concerns to a therapist. You may not be able to effectively solve your problems with the same thought processes which created those problems.
-Recognize that when it comes to matters of personal health, each person in the relationship will see progress at a different rate. For instance, if both of you are trying to lose fat, one person may be seeing the scale drop faster than the other. What do those conversations look like so that one person doesn’t perceive themselves as a failure for not seeing success at the same pace?
-Remember that conversations about health, body size/shape, and our relationship with food are amongst the most sensitive conversations two people can have. Understand what words/phrases are triggering to each other.
I will never be able to overstate how crucial the person in your corner is to your success. The path won’t be without it’s potholes and obstacles. But the person you chose to embark on the path with could be the difference between reaching your goals or not.
Life is a lot better when you get there together.
